Andrew Smiler, Ph.D.

America's leading expert on the masculine self


Raising Sexually Responsible Boys

Sexuality, Romantic RelationshipsAndrew Smiler
micheal mol stick out tongue flickr 6056597665_a4655f317f_z.jpg

It’s been a newsworthy year for male sexuality. Donald Trump’s claims that he can grab women by their genitals are most recent, but we’ve also had rape allegations against a variety of performers, from Bill Cosby to Nat Turner. The summer included Brock Turner raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, his six month jail sentence, the reduction of that sentence to three months for good behavior, his father’s letter to the judge, and his victim’s open letter to the public. If you’re raising a son, this year has been a lesson in what can go wrong.

Take heart. That kind of sexual behavior is not inevitable. In fact, our culture thought much more highly of boys until we met fictional guys like Fonzie, Hawkeye Pierce, and Sam Malone. Three Porky’s and seven American Pie movies haven’t helped either. Over the last two generations, our default understanding of male sexuality has shifted from relational, responsible, and caring to promiscuous, non-relational, and unemotional. Even though our culture promotes the image of guys as players who are just looking to score, most guys have a clear preference for limiting their sex lives to their relationship partners.

Helping your son develop a responsible and mature approach to dating and sexuality isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s a series of discussions you can start at any age. His understanding of what a respectful relationship needs to grow and develop over time. It’ll change as he matures, learns to take other people’s perspectives, and gains more relationship experience.

To teach respect for girls and women, don’t use “like a girl” as an insult because it relies on the notion that girls and women are inherently less than boys and men. If someone is “less than,” then they don’t deserve to be treated with respect or dignity.

Ask him questions that help him understand what the benefits of being in a relationship are: emotional support (“someone who’s got your back”), doing favors (like telling him what happened in school when he wasn’t there or giving him rides), having someone to hang out with, and having someone to be sexual with. Then ask him about the costs by asking if those benefits are provided equally to both partners. You might also ask him who’s spending more money--and if that’s ok--and how he balances time with his partner versus other time demands, like homework, activities and practices, chores and work, family time, and “me time.”

You’ll need to talk to your son about about a range of sexual behaviors. He’s probably going to start with things like kissing and holding hands, so begin there. Ask him how he’ll know when he’s ready to do those things. As he gets older, revisit these conversations and expand them to more intimate behaviors. When family members or close friends get married or pregnant, ask your son how he’d know he was ready for those things. You can also share your decision making process on those life events, including ways your decision making process has changed over time.

You’ll also need to ask your son if he’d ever say no and help him practice how to do that. Because of our stereotypes, many people can’t imagine a boy would turn down a chance to be sexual, but there’s a good chance he’s going to need that skill at some point. Estimates say that 1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted or raped, with another 1 in 5 giving in to sexual pressure during their high school or college years.

Use TV and movie characters you’re both familiar with to start some conversations. This strategy is ideal for providing the nitty gritty of a lifelike situation instead of a headline. Content that he’s familiar with or can easily imagine will help him think it through. Ask him who is trustworthy, respectful, and a good role model, as well as how he came to those conclusions and what he’d do in those situations. Paired characters who live in the same world can be compared and contrasted; try Charlie and Alan from “Two and a Half Men” or Tony Stark (Iron Man) and Captain America from the Marvel universe.

These conversations might be a little unsettling for you and him, but that’s ok, you’ll all get used to it. You wouldn’t let him grow up without discussing how to handle money, the kind of person he wants to be, or the career he wants, so why is it ok to leave him on his own when it comes to dating and sexuality? 

Originally published in the Winston-Salem Journal 

Image by Micheal Mol/Flickr 

Men Defining Masculinity: It's Not About Sex

Gender Roles, SexualityAndrew Smiler

Imagine being asked to complete a survey in which you were asked to rate 13 characteristics commonly associated with masculinity. What would move to the top of your list and what would go to the bottom? Is being honorable more important than having success with women? Making a lot of money?

In a pair of studies, research teams did just that. The initial study was based in the West, involved nearly 28,000 men from the United States, Brazil, Germany, Mexico, Italy, France, the United Kingdom, and Spain, and was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. A subsequent study surveyed nearly 11,000 men in Asia, from China, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, and Taiwan, and was published in the Journal of Men’s Health. In both studies, the men ranged in age from 18-75, but participants skewed somewhat younger.

Is being honorable more important than having success with women? Making a lot of money?

The men were asked “what do you think is most important to the male identity (What do you think is important to be a real man)?” and given a list of 9 items (West) or 13 items (Asia). They were asked to rate each item on a scale from “not at all important” (score: 1) to “very important.” All surveys were administered on a computer. The item with the highest score was automatically identified; if men gave the same high score to multiple items, they were asked which of those items was most important.

Items 1 – 9 were included in both studies; items 10-13 were only asked in the Asian study.

  1.                  Having a good job.
  2.                  Having lots of money. (West: Having financial stability)
  3.                  Being seen as a man of honor.
  4.                  Having success with women.
  5.                  Coping with problems on your own.
  6.                  Having an active sex life.
  7.                  Being in control of your own life.
  8.                  Being physically attractive.
  9.                  Having the respect of friends.
  10.                  Being a family man.
  11.                  Having a manly image.
  12.                  Having an outgoing personality.
  13.                  Avoiding shameful situations.

The results showed that character was central regardless of country. “Being a man of honor” was the top ranked item among Western participants and 2nd among Asian participants. It received #1 rankings in six of the thirteen nations and was 2nd in three more.

“Being in control of your life” was ranked second among Western participants and 3rd among Asian participants. It took first place in four countries and 2nd place in seven more.

“Having a good job” took 3rd place. It was in 1st place across all Asian countries combined, but only took first place in one country. But it landed in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th in nearly every country and thus took the bronze medal.

The two items related to sexuality – “having success with women” and “having an active sex life” – were in the bottom half. Success with women was ranked as the most important characteristics of masculinity by less than 3% of men in every country except Korea, where 14% – about one in seven – gave it priority and made it the 3rd most important characteristics. Less than 6% of Western men and less than 2% of Asian men said “having an active sex life” was the most important characteristic of masculinity, with averages of 3% of 1%, respectively.

The two items related to sexuality – “having success with women” and “having an active sex life” – were in the bottom half of the rankings.

It wasn’t an age thing either, even though survey participants skewed younger. The research team also looked at results based on age group, 18-29, 30-39, and so on, ending with 60-75. For these two items, scores changed by no more than one percentage point when the researchers broke it down by age group.

Asian participants were also asked about the importance of “Being a family man.” It made the top 5 list in every country except Taiwan (7th). Who says being a dad isn’t important?

What does all this tell us? It means that when guys are asked how they define masculinity, character, self-determination, and work/financial stability rise to the top of the list. If we’re really interested in helping boys and men become better people, we need to help them develop inner strength (or character), teach them how to make good decisions, and give them a meaningful education.

When guys are asked how they define masculinity, character, self-determination, and work/financial stability rise to the top of the list.

It also means we need to stop stereotyping guys as primarily or only driven by sex because most guys don’t define their masculinity that way. They – we – are much more than “roving inseminators” and place real value on being parents.

It’s time to kick the stereotype that men are only interested in sex, porn, and video games. Nearly 40,000 men in 13 countries spanning 3 continents told us we’re way off base.

– photo by Brad Barth/flickr